I must be the biggest idiot alive.

ごめんなさい。大バカだ。

Edit:　ごめんって言うばかりだ。怒らせて酷い気持ちで、どうしようかどうやって説明か分からない。もっと離れさせて私たちの関係を壊しちゃって怖がる。もう遅いかな…

Lol I post so sporadically. This was triggered by the random revisiting of various old blogs of both myself and others. This is more a thought that I wanna leave here than a post really...


If visiting the past scares you, are you a coward? If looking at the past makes you question yourself, is the present you then just a self-constructed facade? If you don't face the past and only look forward, is that running away?

(feeling major Lion King here TROLOLOL)

Lol don't even know what that title is meant to mean. Only really wrote that cos I had music playing and couldn't think of what title to write cos it was distracting...so I turned it off. Idk anymore derp.

So Uni has started for my 2nd year. Strangely, being back at uni puts me at ease. I feel a lot more passionate about what I'm studying this semester (maybe just because I've started with a lot more motivation to do better), save for the core subject which is Environment Sustainability and Development, which I'm a bit meh about. Psych has started our really interesting and I've been doing my best to keep on top of my lecture notes and research participation (2 session of which got cancelled annoyingly but no worries still got weeks to get my points back >]). Chinese looks super intense and hard, and the lecturer has quite high expectations which is intimidating and a recipe for procrastination on one hand, but it gives me more motivation to quickly revise last year's work and prepare myself for this semester. Also much keener on this lecturer compared to good ol' (not) Dr Y, so there's a bit more trust in what I'm learning too haha. Confucius Inst. (as weird as it sounds, it's actually super cool and interesting!) also paid us a visit during our first lecture (we were like OMFG WHITE PPL WHO CAN SPEAK FLUENTLY -selfesteem plummets-) and told us about some study programs to China and resources we can use from the institute, and it really encouraged me to put more effort into Chinese this semester. Let's hope that doesn't wane out throughout sem. Also super happy I got to sit with Louise during the first lec, and hopefully we can like hang and study buddy for the rest of sem, she's such a lovely girl ^^. We went to the institute office in MB together too and were like *o* glass doors and spanky new offices and so many Chinese resources and dramas! (yes we fangurred together over Huang zhu Gege [Princess Pearl] haha...our childhoods <3). Yeah totally gonna make good use of this :3 And then there's my fav subject Japanese! This semester doing Professional level which, as 'pro' as it sounds, is more about becoming 'pro' （プロ）or proficient at our use of Japanese. The expectation is really high, and the sensei for this semester talks a lot faster than last year's, so even listening which is usually a lot easier is now becoming quite a challenge. It's been fun hanging with Sam, Veronica and Robin in class, but yes we defs need to sit further forward in tomorrow's lecture LOL. We have a semester-long project which I chose Junior Sensei for (Assistant teaching for first year Japanese classes). Did the interview for it and got the timeslot I wanted, as well as being assigned to Yuki sensei's (my HSC Extension Japanese tutor) class! <3 She's so young and cool 8) So happy that I got her, have seen her around a bit but to be able to be in her class assisting her is gna be a really good experience =). But yes the general gist is that, this semester I want to put more effort into my studies and spend more time studying (less studio time lul) cos I really need to up my WAM to get a good chance at exchange and be able to appeal to the overseas Unis I want. Super competitive apparently T_T So yeah, D average for sure!! Let's do this!

On top of all this, there's Modsoc stuff which is gonna be ramping up this semester with Lego and Party Mode coming up. I still need to get the membership audit done quickly so we can be properly affiliated again herp derp. Then there's also the kpop class that I'm gna be teaching alone for 7 weeks....wahhhh T_T Hope I can do it well. I'm horrible with choosing songs LOL. But yeah this semester a lot tighter with the people in the society in general, and we're all passionate about the same stuff and they're all really supportive so I really hope this all works out. Big love for the Modsters.

On a note that I'm sure nobody cares about...lol I have my own class at XO now on Sundays at 12. It's girls style which is a shame...cos it means I don't get to teach guy songs but I guess there's always Modsoc class for that, and also I'm kind of not that great a teacher anyway so it makes sense to leave the popular stuff to the real teachers (cos guy songs are more requested and popular in general). But despite all that I have high hopes for this new class, and today's first class was very enjoyable with great energy (MissA - I don't need a man). Will work hard for this class and its students!

怖くてたまらないよ。だからバカって。

（前、ここにあったことについて、その考え方は恥ずべきすぎるので、消してしまった。ごめん。）

Oh yeah one thing I forgot to mention...I got a blood test recently and the report says I've apparently become anemic and iron deficient. I'm super low on hemoglobin, iron and cholesterol and have to take iron supplements and make sure I eat more red meat. And if for any reason I bleed too much I'll faint. So yeah fun times. Therefore I need to sleep earlier so that my body clock and stress levels get back down or else my health could be in jeopardy...if it isn't already herp derp. Another fun fact, that may or may not be related, is that I've started getting really lightheaded and headaches randomly...I don't think it's a good thing. Lol stressing about all this, which is probably going to have a cycle effect and just make things worse. -sigh-

Again, not that anyone needs to know/cares.

Oh I'm also craving froyo a lot nowadays... =\ Although I havn't gotten it in about a week+ now.

I can't relax nowadays. Except for those moments when I'm with R or the GC people. I feel like I'm constantly on edge.

Research participation at 10am tmr...I should be asleep already.

It's strange because you'd think that with all these different outlets of communication nowadays, you'd have plenty of places to express your emotions. And yet, in my present state there are so many things I want to tell  someone, to someplace but nowhere seems...safe. Weird. I want to tell [x] but I don't want to burden them when they' have other things to think about/do, I want to tell [y] but I don't want to tell them things they don't care about, I want to tell [*] but I think I tell this person such things so much they're sick of it. And then least of all do I feel like I can say anything here. It's like blog has the opposite effect for me now. I don't know where to put all these thoughts...they're raging around in my mind about to burst but I need to somehow keep them bottled up. It feels like....I want to be alone and yet when I'm just sitting here by myself in silence it seems almost dangerous. Yeah I'm not making any sense. -moving on-

There's so many things that I think "I want to write about this!" and open up the blog writer, but never get around to finishing it lol. But just reflecting a lot tonight so why not?

Today I went to a lunch with my longtime family/childhood friends Eunica, Steven, Andy and Jimmy (and respective plus ones haha). It's something we decided we wanted to do ever since Jimmy's Christmas house party last year. I guess that feeling of seeing each other again after a whole life of high school and time apart made us really appreciate our years as friends up till now, so we felt like a catch up/hanging out as 'old people' now haha.

As we were walking down the road to Darling Harbour behind each other under umbrellas with our respective plus ones (haha Andy and Steven shared an umbrella cos they were each other's plus ones...nawwwww), I saw Jimmy walking ahead with Harleen (whom I met for the first time today), holding hands with her. It was strange because I obviously knew they were a couple and everything but seeing Jimmy being intimate and a bf figure with someone I didn't know after knowing him for so long, it was like a shock to my naive childhood self. Haha sounds weird. I guess it was the realisation that we all had really moved onto the next stages of our lives, still holding onto the memories we all shared and that were bonding us together, and yet we are changing constantly, that to stop and worry about it will only result in being left behind. I felt it a little back in high school when everyone was getting friend circles within their respective high schools that I could never understand nor be a part of, but it wasn't as strong a concern I think because I thought of it as a given, what with us all being in separate high schools, while now we're all 'grown up' in our uni stages where we have the liberty, desire and means to see each other of our own accord. For some reason seeing us all being involved in our own relationships now makes the change so much more apparent. I guess I'm still coming to terms with that. But as I watched Jimmy and Harleen walking in front of us hand-in-hand, I found comfort in the warm hand that was holding mine tightly and, at least momentarily, my uncertainty dissipated and I knew it was a good thing for all of us.

As D drove me home with the rain pelting down on the car windows, the harbour couldn't be seen from the bridge at all because of the fog, and it looked almost like a winter wonderland. Despite the raging violent weather outside, the sounds were soothing. I like the sound of rain haha. And listening to HSM on the way home, with both of us just belting our hearts out as if knowing exactly which corresponding parts to sing, I felt completely at peace. Doing something so simple and so shamelessly, it was like we were children just able to share our love for something we both enjoyed, and nothing else mattered nor existed except for that very moment we were experiencing together. It's moments like this that I wish everything would just pause and I could sit there with my eyes taking it in so I never forget it. In fact, I WAS sitting there with my eyes closed at times and almost crying out of happiness (weirdo...hormonally unstable I swear.)

I tried to think of a title that could sum up this post. But after 10 minutes I still had nothing. Therefore....nothing.

I already told E this, but the insecurities of having people judge me for what I write keeps me from posting. Oh and the laziness hurr. I also tend to say things that are used against me, or are wrong, so I guess past experience keeps me away from the world of blog, or at least writing in it. But I figured why not. What's the worst that could happen? At this rate those that would judge or criticise already have, so why worry.

I don't really need to say it but for recapping's sake; a lot has happened since my last post. A different me, a different every day, a different perspective. I've gained and lost [weight hurr] on different degrees. By choice and as a conseqeuence.

My parents recently went overseas and I've been living alone with my brother for 2 weeks. It caused much raging because my brother is a lazy teenager so I got my unfair share of housework, but at the same time I've been blessed with some quality time to get to know him. He's a lot more mature than I give him credit for, and sometimes he surprises me with how quickly he catches on to things, both about the world around him and about me. Perhaps it's no longer me who's looking after him. It makes me remember my overprotective phase when I used to cry talking about him for no reason...-hormonal weirdo-. I guess I'm at a place where I  don't worry about how he'll handle himself in the future anymore. Like right now, sitting in my parent's room as I type this up, I can hear the sounds of gunshots and explosions as he plays Halo and at the same time sings offtune to popping music that he asked Keanu for. It's like he's the same as he's always been, but a different familiarity now encompasses our relationship. He comes to talk to me about his newfound passion for dance and about his friends and problems, sharing thoughts about how he sees other people and the world around him. I guess I'm really thankful that he trusts me enough to ask me for advice and my opinion to this day. I'm proud to be his sister, and hope I don't let him down.

On that note, as we were talking after I got back from buying groceries today, Kev started raging about how ML dissed the Australian kpop scene and IJGK'd (and some members) specifically as they watched some of our old videos, specifically the Crossover 2011 and Cry Cry ones. Kev was really angry about M and how shallow his values of dance were, as well as the lack of respect he had for the passion of dance and kpop. It's almost endearing that Kev was so protective about it. M saying that [x] was crap and something about [y] and that our sync was crap made me think about how we value ourselves. I told Kev, and think honestly that yes we're not professionals or that skilled, and not even anywhere near good compared to talent out there. But our individual (different and similar) qualities and styles as both dancers and people, all of that coming together, the experiences, memories and passion of dancing as a crew no matter what the motivations, having come together and cooperated and worked hard on performances, is more important than how good the outcomes are and how other people view us. Which is why for someone who doesn't know us, or even someone who does, to judge us superficially based on ability seen in performances and videos doesn't mean anything. At least that's what I think. In the end, life only matters as far as the people I care about and the ones who care about me, so to be bothered by anything else is just overthinking.

I think I meant to make a different point when starting that paragraph, but oh well. My thoughts are just jumbled up right now.

What counts as doing the wrong thing? I made a choice that became part of reason for why things are the way they are now. Many people disapprove, and according to them it was the wrong choice, because we chose happiness over someone else's. Does that make a wrong decision then? Does that mean that as long as there is sadness and anger, those who are happy are in the wrong? Are people only allowed to make choices that make everyone happy?

In the midst of this episode of 'drama', I'm losing a friend who I've held dear for a long time. Since we became friends, we've shared experiences, laughter, tears and plain herp derps for many years. The decision I made has changed our relationship...in fact I'm not even sure what that relationship is anymore. This person doesn't  agree or approve of the choice I made, because it made their (and my) other friends sad. I want to know what this person's opinion is, but because I think they don't want to talk to me, I haven't forced conversation. I'm scared to talk to someone I used to be able to tell almost everything, someone I could call at any time of the day to do or ask anything. On one hand, I tell myself my friendship must not have meant much to this person to begin with if this is all it took for our relationship to break apart. On the other hand, I think this person is amazing because their happiness is so devoted to other people's. It's a selflessness which I guess I'm ashamed to say I do not possess, and always admired in my friend. Never did I think it would be the reason for me losing them. Is it cowardice and/or laziness if I don't pursue them? Because that's how I am. If I know you don't like me/don't approve of what I'm doing, I won't put you in the position of where you have to face me. To me I think that's doing them a favour, or perhaps that's an excuse for not trying harder to win them over. It sounds a bit melodramatic, perhaps it doesn't even mean that much to that person, and it's all in my head. Or perhaps a bad friend like me is just not worth their time anymore. I don't ask that they choose a side, because to me this isn't a war or a matter of sides and alliances. But they chose one regardless, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that means I don't mean much to them anymore. I don't think this person will read this, but if they do, I'd like them to know I'm not talking to them not because I'm devoted to my choice, but because they seem to have made theirs, and I'll respect that.

Many would probably read that (not that anyone will read this blog cos I'm unimportant haha) and think I'm being cowardly or a bad friend. If I was a good friend, I would retract my decision for other people to be happy right? They're probably right. Maybe I'm deluding myself and making excuses to seem noble. Again, perhaps I'm not trying and giving up before I've even made an effort. Yeah I think I've heard that somewhere before. Maybe I'll always be that bad person who let go because I chose my own happiness first. Someone out there is feeling really smug right now.

Despite all this, call me a bad friend, but I don't regret my decision. Many things are a shame, to me and to the other parties as well. But I believe that I am truly happy right now. I think I am happier than I have been in a long time. 'Content' I guess is the right word. But in this world, it's a crime to be happy when another person is sad. Than in itself is a personal slight. All I can do is hold dear and appreciate those who will accept me for who I am and the decisions I make.

And on that depressing note, I'm off to make fried rice for dinner. -random-

Wow haha, so blogger has changed much since I left.

I don't know what instigated this weird return. If anything it can't be called a return, I probably won't commit to writing...

On a side note, I just read Whitney's latest post and saw many spelling, grammatical and vocabularical (yes I make up words) mistakes haha. Keep trying Whittles =)

But yes I digress. Hmmmm, I guess, I realised theres many things I find I can't say to people face to face. A particular example lies with a particular few people (I mad specific). There's things I can't say or let be known, because it would hurt people, damage our relationship or be insulting their intelligence.

Not that I'm honest on blogger, if anything I'm even more secretive cos I never mention names or anything. But at the very least the thoughts aren't having a party in my mind and driving me crazy (well...more crazy than I already am haha.....)

In light of recent events, I guess.....I've been doing a lot of thinking. To the point I space out haha...
-cue smashing into a pillar at Town Hall when I was waving at Kurt- gawd that was embarassing...almost anime-esque. I can't believe I let Carmen Yuki and Terry see that T________T. But yes, I guess after x happened, my mind has broadened a lot. There's a lot more things I let myself think about now, things that I realised I'd never really thought through. It's almost a relief to have so much time to myself. Alone time is good.

Of course there are regrets. There are always regrets...because it's in my personality. I'll think sometimes...what if I'd tried harder? What if I wasn't selfish? What if I let go of something that could be the best I could ever do? (I make sense ==") But life isn't waiting around the corner for a reality check. I guess I realised that when I was spacing out in the kitchen tonight while I ate overdue corn thins (HIGH QUALITY!). You make your own future, and therefore choices must be made. Whether they be the wrong one or not, you'll find out eventually but for now you can only believe that it was the right choice to make, that it was for the best. (awwww shiett thats some deep shiet Captn Obvious T_T) (<--- as you probably noticed, I critique my own writing...totally normal). Well anyway, sometimes it's healthier and more beneficial to be the onlooker. You learn a lot, realise a lot of things about people you would've brushed off as nothing before. Currently the prime example is person A. Watching how you conduct yourself, it makes me wonder how I compare...if I'm subconsciously similar to that, or if perhaps I'm too scared and cowardly to even say a word. Maybe it's actually amazing that you freely express how you feel. Again, it's that judging thing. I'm so terrified I'll be judged the same way I judge people -major hypocrite-. And I'm scared of myself, that my better judgement will lose out to my irrational self and do/decide something I'll regret.

ARGH no moar. need der sleep. Woke up at 2pm yesterday and its 2:34am now, yet I'm already exhausted. Cos today was hectic. It turned out to be so much fun, and I found that spending time Hakuna Matata-style is something I havn't done fully for a long time. There were still things I held myself back with, but at the very least, I was being myself without being scared of how other people think (much....-cue ALL the judging looks while me and Carmen sung and screamed on the swings at 9pm haha). But it was just that, easy atmosphere. As we walked through Darling Harbour with a slight buzz of coonversation in the background and a cool breeze blowing through our hair (I mad poetic...not) I felt completely content. So many worries and frustrations in all directions but just this single moment as the crew (+ Terry Oppa and Raymond) walked through the dimly lit Darling Quarter path, I could forget everything and be happy that life was just as it was. I hoped that we could enjoy many more memories like this in the future. (hurr...I'm probs just being soppy. Maybe it wasnt that amazing to everyone else...derp)

THE POINT IS~~~ I should sleep hurrrrr... So much work I should have done by now and therefore I am screwed next week. HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME DDDDD; Ok day at home tmr, so let's make good use of it, bakayarou!

あんたのそばにいるなら、きっと大丈夫。取り敢えず、この儘じゃ幸せなのだ。

So I havn't checked my blogger in months, and when I signed back in today I realised that I stopped at exactly the 99th post. Fancy that.

The reason I suddenly decided to blog are a bit embarassing. It's so childish...a childish plea for attention. It's like...even if that's how you feel, you still go out of the way to check it. What can I deduce from that?

Ahh...this is why I didn't want to blog, why I stopped. Because when you find an outlet that is meant to express in writing what you can't say out loud, the ugliest emotions come to surface and you realise things you wish you had remained oblivious to.

Perhaps I havn't changed a bit.

In the event of this 100th post, I present this song which came to mind as I wrote the title of the post:

 I remember when I first heard this song in year 7. Netta's dance group used it for their piece and, the tune and lyrics stuck with me for the next few years. It's been a while since I thought of it. I guess it's not like I take its message as gospel or anything, but it really makes me think, especially after reading Bella's post. 

I guess I might as well write about my day. I don't feel deep enough to keep writing er...deep stuff lul. -shallow-

First day back for sem 2 of uni. Mum had a freak out this morning cos she thought her wallet with her money and licence etc. was lost or taken by my gparents back to their place and stuff. Turns out it was in the laundry. Derp.

Early train for 9am start. Met Liz in the maseeef bus lines, but was a bit out of it on the bus to talk. Sorry Liz =\ Got to lecture in CLB (first class in CLB EVARRR) for History Matrix. It seemed really interesting...which is probs why I feel doubly bad for sleeping through most of it. Made it through probably one hour before dying out.

Afterwards had chinese in Biomed A. Nostalgic walking through Biosci. The computers where we were sitting before have been pulled out, and there are a bunch of cardboard boxes blocking the window. Met up with Keith and Vivian outside and we went inside where the tables slammed open like rollercoaster safety seats. It really did feel like a jail. Jason and his friend also came along, and he gave his friend a really cute panda speaker (not like mine) where the Iphone sticks in its belly. naaws >w< Chinese was...dull, but surprisingly I was quite awake. Going to make an extra effort this sem cos it was my worst mark last sem. ALL the help from parents for extension vocab. Also Damo skipped out on first lecture lul. Trust "Gosh." Dear Doctor Mu Yang is as...trustworthy with his teaching as ever. Although when he speaks in mando its surprisngly not as painfully hard to learn.

Lunchies had a very enjoyable time with Denniiiiis and Carmen at Matthews. Haha yaysies for moving excessively to catch attentions. Carmen got a huuuge salad from Stock Market for $10ish and I got a butter chicken curry + naan, and was originally gna get a snack pack as well cos I thought I was mad hungry, but chicken tikkas were MIA so no snack packs for me. Wah, was looking forward to the nice dipping sauce too...fwp. So insteadsies I got a lamb meat samosa....which ended up being a rookie mistake later on cos I was mad full. Deniiiiiiis got a lah di dah looking mango beverage in a glass from the billboard, which ended up being a low quality mango yoghurt drink in a plastic cup. -patpat- Misleading advertising much. Anyways, had lots of derpy fun, with Carmen giving me her free bread to mop up my extra curry, Denniiiiis being a gentleman with 'another man's meat/chicken', Carmen and her lack of knowledge in salad dressings and corn adventures. Lesson learnt; corn is only tasty if you have to fight for it lul.

After lunchies we all headed down together cos Carmen and I had a class at 2, but we kept getting held up cos Denniiiis was too popular and we couldn't distract him with movement. All the way down campus Denniiiis kept bumping into acquaintainces (popular man ==) but then me and Carmen were repaid twofold as we bumped into Cath Shirley Renee, Beryl, Sylvi, Nathan etc. I also 'sup-nod'ed to Daniel Lee as I walked past him hahaha, good times (weird to think we were public enemies in primary school).

Finally got to OLLLLD Main (as opposed to Regular Main LOL) and got lost looking for my classroom cos I remembered the room number of my tute for Tuesday as opposed to my Monday lecture shieeeeet. 6 minutes late for class wah. But was sall cool cos I got to sit next to David and his friend (WHOSE NAME I DONT REMEMBER IM SO SORRY I TOTALLY REMEMBER YOUR FACE AND THAT YOU'RE CANTO AND KNOW JAP AND KRN DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD; -stalker- -overreacting-) Class was alright, we got to know about our projects coming up, and got to watch past derpy karaoke projects where kids made MVs (REAL MVs Kelvin =="). I rly wanna do the karaoke one but if tis not possible cos of limited 9 spots, watching drama/anime/variety shows looks rly fun too :3 Wah....derpy duet with the crew in the background would've totes been awesome....); Lots of the class spent derping with David cos we had IU stuck in our head...or body lul. Robin arrived late as well...slept till 1 appazza haha gg. Kanji sensei name is now...POCHA POCHA~ <3

Afterwards went with David to bookshop to buy txtbooks and course notes wee. Bumped into Alison and her booooyyyyfeeeeee and yeah. LUL sah kyoot. Sah heavy T_T (the books. LOL such a random thought change). Spent all my working account's saving buying books wah. On the bright side, that's now out of the way and I can be efficiently productive woot.

Bus buddied with David to City afterwards and we caught some HAPPEEE REMONE~! And thankyou David for temporarily shouting me in the aftermath of my studious spending lul. Hadn't had Lemon Yakult in aaaaages so got a joooombo size =) We then parted ways at th, and I took the train home. Wah, peak hour trains meant I was on the window edge of a packed 3-seater....F.W.P~!! Got home, covered some books and derped. Simmed too much, now I'm so ah bleh about the family =\ Also...I feel totes like..."where did u go-oh-oh-oh-ohhhhh?" Nah i'm being gong joo beng. Yeah I'm just whingeing. On the bright side, I cleaned up my room yesterday and did all the sewing and mending I've been putting off for months, so now my room is reeeelllaaaatively tidy, save for the mountain of junk food and unsorted HSC and uni work on my desk lul.

Anyways, that was my comeback post. It was totes not that interesting lol.

Helping out at Welcome Back Day stall for Modsoc tmr. 9:30 start, should totes be in bed already.

And with that I'll wrap it up. Need to cover one more reader and then put away laundry and I'll call it a night. Maybe some in-bed activity (LOL totes not meant to sound sexual) before I sleepsies woot.

Night all (Almost typed "Nog-"...which now makes me want noggi/froyo. PASSIONFRUIT~!!! BeX let's go for a passionfruit date sometime *_*)

Hmm it's been a while.

Maybe cos today in general made me think about some things but I suddenly felt like blogging.

[unrelated: I'm looking at my screen and I keep seeing a grey circle slowly moving up the white screen...I swear its my epileptic light trolling me]

I'm not one much for recording the day's events...I'm not articulate enough to put it in words. Instead I'm jsut gna...muse...

Firstly...I miss how things used to be. Back when I could talk to you at the drop of a hat. Technically I still can but things have changed. I'm not there for you...you don't really keep up with me either. Maybe I'm underestimating you, and on second thoughts you know me a lot better than I give you credit for. That's always been the case. But I think that as part of your good nature towards all people in general, rather than myself. That's a selfish thought isn't it. As for me, I don't make half as much effort as you deserve. But that's the problem...you can't expect to get more out of it than you put in. I've relied on that for way too long. I let that be the case way too much. Either way, our relationship feels a bit superficial now. It's distant, fun when it needs to be but so disconnected that sometimes, the self-imposed abyss in between is unbridgeable. It makes me sad and guilty...because I'm pretty sure it was my fault. I hate that those words became true. I let his opinion become fact. The closest will suffer.

On another note, I thought I had changed. I like to pretend I have. But in truth I'm the same form of ugly I tried escaping for all that time. I was only deluding myself into thinking that this time round I'd be more mature, be less stupid. In reality, I'm just better at hiding it. Lies. I'm just lying to myself and you. But from experience, would it really do much good if you knew? Would you be different? I like to think that the answer comes with why things are as they are now, a lot better. Perhaps I'm just afraid that I'll be judged just like I was before. That it will be the same cycle I could never break out of, the same open-ended question I was never able to provide an answer to. The same problem that I claimed was my own but eventually became everyone elses because I didn't have the courage nor strength to deal with it. To change myself. And I'd only be proving that true if I asked you for help in telling you. Which is why I can't. I can't do that to you or any of them. Maybe it was unclear cos of my stupiditity before, but I know for sure this time they're good people and that it's all in my head. Cowardly as it is, I'd rather bottle it up than let you know this dark side of my mind.

Which brings me to my next point. Old habits die hard. And the mini freak out tonight shows just how aware I am of the problem and yet choose to ignore it/do nothing about it. I'm lucky because good people tolerate it. I'm shown forgiveness I don't deserve, and take that for granted. Maybe I'm thinking way too much into this, but I know that's my ego speaking. Realistically, that painful silence and blank look in your eyes said just how much it's not fair and how much I'm disappointing you. And I'm scared everytime it happens I'll lose you more. But there's the catch. I only get scared when people start showing cracks, when things start coming back to bite me. I'll always leave it till too late. I'll always rely on other people's forgiveness to save me. There's only so many times you can be excused before what you swept under the rug or pushed the limits of explodes. Or implodes.

I need to fix up my life. It sounds a lot more worldy than I mean. I don't mean my life is horrible #fwp stuff. I mean, I miss people. I miss how things used to be. I miss the atoms and always going to the centre circle knowing there'd be someone waiting. I miss those 2 speds and the connection we felt as similar but very different people. I miss canoodling in the library and making funny dinosaur noises. I miss I miss rolling my eyes at alcoholics and making hopefully good-natured sarcastic remarks cos she's a princess. I miss night-time city rendesvous with teasing retards and trolling tb and chasing them for being mean and train funsies with unco people. I miss silent playground and pictionary on conference-call. I miss trolly confusing non-blood related sibling relationship. I miss lunch buddies.

But most of all, I miss my family.

I realised when I got home and saw the 3 sets of tableware on the dinnertable with finished western style meals that mum only cooks on celebratory days or weekends. I miss teasing my brother about being unco with his chopsticks and dad eating less chicken cos he claims China has the best. I miss mum yelling at us to drink our soup cos we always run off as soon as we finish our rice...because I'm never around for that anymore. I miss never actually setting up the dinner table and leaving Kev to do it cos I was lazy. I miss weekend drives and walking with my arm linked to Kev's and trolling people because we looked like twins but walked like a derpy couple with him trying to get away from me the whole time. I miss a stressful car ride cos my whole family is screaming at me with different directions and are scared shitless as I almost crash into a kerb.

I didn't start crying until that last paragraph.

Apologies for the deeply vague and depressingly personal  post.

I am now sitting on my un-sheeted bed because I'm not bothered.
Even though I should be packing I have a strange motivation to blog tonight...
URGH OF ALL NIGHTS --> 6:30am wakeup tomorrow for 9am lecture.
-siiighhhh-
Not enough sleep for firsrt day of uni =\
Well at least this time I'm legit blogging!

Makeshift to do list when I finish this blog:
Put sheets on my bed
Brush teeth
Read over 'To bring' list for Uni
Compile textbook list
Pack up wardrobe so I don't trip in the morning
Pick out clothes to wear (holy crap mufti!! -inception- urgh...school uniform sounds like such an attractive option now... #fwp)
Blowdry hair if not dry yet
Put all the new stuffs (vids, uni timetable, music, uni app) on phone
Stow away DS (LOL See guise? I'm being responsible OuO no more pokemon to unholy hours of the morning on uni days)
Pack bag for uni tmr --> Pencil case, 3 notebooks (I have decided after 4 years of failed high school attempts to use loose leafs that I shall use books and not cram pieces of notepaper into the nooks and crannies of my bags), money for new MyMulti, mini notepad for jotting down stuffs...

(not tonight but eventually...very soon) Do 'secret' stuff and tidy up societies stuff (AISEC, D2MG, MODOC, print out SMH voucher email thingy)
Do ELISE tutorial and quiz for uni
PAY UNI FEES!!!!!!!!!!!
Print out textbook list
Ummm tidy room in general
Buy a more practical diary
KEEP CHECKING FOR MORNING JAP LECTURE SLOTS! D< (don't wanna be at uni till 6 on mondays TT)
Go back to school for school magazine and to visit Madgers and Mizoshiri sensei (and to use up my Crows Nest-limited GJs free drink)
Give rest of souvies out

And thus my post will now be extremely bleh and short cos of the time it took to write that up =="

Woke up miraculously to my alarm at 7:30am this morning (Really scared I'd be late so I put my alarm next to my ear on the pillow...and it worked! Method found just in time for uni yaysies).Had enough time to change out my bedsheets, repack my two bags and grab water for dance for once so was pretty proud of myself. Legged it briskly to station --> didn't have to run (more brownie points!) but sweated a bit while power-walking so could've left a bit more time =\

As the train rolled into Town Hall a large group of Japanese backpackers/tourists got on the train and I got very excited...after the 10 seconds it took me to figure out they were Japanese lol. Just as I was about to make a sped fool of myself and ask them about themselves in Jap, they suggested to each other to go upstairs on the train cos it was empty.....Spent the whole 2 minutes from Town Hall to Central smiling at them like a sped from downstairs...TT

Got to Central and waited next to the pillar for Kelvin. Had my head down so didn't see nor hear him go around the pillar and scare the crap out of me in an unusually manly voice....DAMN YOU T_______T Nevertheless greeted him good morning and we walked to Gloria Jeans for 'breakfast'...which turned into just drinks cos we're cheap xD. I got a large Cookies and Cream chiller (ROOKIE MISTAKE! Full stomach soooo not worth $6.80) and Kelvin got hot chocolate. I ish sad they don't ask for marshmallows in hot choco anymore =\ They be cheap!! Also, the guy didn't put whipped cream on the chiller until I doubled back and asked for some....and then there was no caramel syrup to go on it which made me infinitely disappointed cos it's the best part of chillers! They make the whipped cream...MOAAARR!! (ok enough about me and my drink fanatics).

Chilled (hahahah get it? chilled? chiller?....no?...T_T ) at GJs for quite a while as we talked about stuff on the couch.  When we finally finished we walked all the way up to Kinokuniya to bum around. There we trawled around the picture book section and looked for respective books. Kelvin finally found his 'I want my hat back' by Jon Klassen, which turned out to be a hilariously troll and awesome book. May consider buying one day :3 "I HAVE SEEN MY HAT! -sees red-" hahahaha best page EVAR. He was a mean bear tho... (won't spoil the story...but the ending is pretty dark...well for me). I on the other hand looked around for 'The Highwayman' which is a poem/picture book that was read to us by the librarian in year 5. It wasn't an amazing poem or anything but for some reason it stuck in my mind all the way till now so I went looking for it. Rereading it now and looking at the pictures, it's such a tragic story yet so dark....-shudders-. (Why do I do this to myself). And for some reason the image of a musket propped up under her boob and her shooting herself with it was forever ingrained in my poor year 5 mind... =\

We sat in the window area together where Kelvin read me (charmingly of course xD) some picture books. It must've been a funny sight but felt very nice^^. This included a war story book called "The house that baba built" or something by Ed Young (very inaccurate ><" bad memory) which was structurally really appealing but we only got through the first 20 or so pages.

Finally we headed off for lunch at mappen where we each got a Regular Whitney Bowl (totally almost ordered in those words too damnit T_T) and tempura. I gots the chicken and Kelvin got sausage which was surprisingly spicy. There is not enough rice in the large Whitney bowl =\ Prefer mini size deffers. But yes ate outside cos we're cool like that.

Then we bummed around until rehearsal-ish time. -fastforward 2 hours- (SHE TOTALLY RECOGNISES US NOW T_____T NOT A GOOD THING)

We got to Crossover around 2 and everyone was already there bumming around. Kev was teaching Bonnie Yuki and Ruby the unlearned chorey for Warrior so the rest of us chilled and watched Sunday class learning Warrior part 1 where we saw Stacey (who was wearing camo pants!) and Oscar and Terry (who looked very gangster in his new cap...with sticker still attached haha) and other familiar faces. We were being speds on the side (@Kwan I assure you they were up to performance stage so we were not intruding nor intimidating I swear T_T) by doing 'Get down, get down' like a rabbit hopping...LIKE CARMEN'S 'oh Renee! -hops off-' haha. And then me and Dan being like -cups hand next to mouth- 'WOOOAAHHHH' teeheehee. So much lols. nts: Tommi still hasn't figured out that err...yes......... how many more signs should we give?! O_O

After class we trained warrior for a bit with the addition of Yuki Bonnie and Ruby~. S-lines ewwww....haha trolling everyone by going all the way down at the chorus. And then found out I was doing the 'HOO HOO' turn on the wrong leg. Gross...unnatural transfer of weight T_T But yes will endeavour to fix that. Also trolling with big arm movements in the stomp part haha.

Rest of the arvo was quite slow. Bummed around singing old Chinese classics with Whittles Yuki Elena Carmen and Ruby (and...Kelvin...==") The others filled in the audition for Charity Concert application form...which took a long time cos we were typing um...insightful and truthful answers(?) so me and Kelvin headed out for FroYo from World Square. Saw Angel from across the road on the way and we tried to have a contest on who hi5-ed her but both failed...YES...BOTH FAILED! D< (u did NOT take a dive for me hmph). Decided to go out on a limb and try the Yoghurt parfait which was quite worth the $6. We each bought one and then shouted Carmen one between us for her shouting drinks the other day yaysies. I be trolling and put oreos in with the fruit tho >w< Although general consensus agreed that Carmen's house was definitely a good facilitator for REGULAR yoghurt parfaits! (eh eh eh) As we got back turns out Kev's helpful band of helpers...one of them backspaced on the application form page so it had to be redone. LOL how trollsies. Retype ALL the answers! (How are we unique...lol....sorry for not being single T_T)

Also....random note....what Rina told me last night doesnt bother me so much...but now it is definitely on my mind when within vicinity...hmmm...

 Dindins at Sussex Centre on the way to which we decided to check out BAP store to stalk Young Jae's brother. He was indeed there. People looked at all the outside scrap clothing as well (yayyy no more shoulder-padded unicorn shirt). Had a curry croquette with pasta salad for dinner. Yayy for dinner under $5. At first was going to get a Cha-time with the money I saved (Whittles's yoghurt and lemon smoothie tasted very good today >w<) but decided to be financially smart and drank the water I was so proud of packing this morning yaysies. Also ate Jibbie's 2 slices of cucumber for him lol ( in my defence, he wouldn't have eaten them anyways xP) and tried some of Kelvin's vermicelli-ish meat patty and soup. Finished eating quite early (NOT A MONSTER!!! got my food early T_T) so tried to play some DS but Kelvin stole it back and played footy and GTA on super duper stupid brightness to waste away the precious battery life. T_T~ Charger-lessness is a sad life. Also, we be trolls and taking photos to push down the application form posts on the crew wall...but that did not work out so smoothly to my advantage =\...Damn you Ellyn!!! Sneaky phototaking DDD;

As people slowly left we got bleh so we left as well and calculated the shortest route would be to Town Hall (why have we never used google maps to look at it before considering we ALWAYS eat here LOLOLOLOL). Me and Kelvin trying to troll Kev at 7/11 but blew our cover...fail ninjas. Said bye at Town Hall to everyone else, but then just as we descended the stairs to my platform, was met by good ole Alex Peng and Ike Bai. Alex came with us down onto the platform and we were Seamus-ed hard haha. But it was cool cos I hadn't had a good talk with him in a while so it was nice to catch up on the train =) Bumped into him a few times during O-week so it shall be interesting seeing him on campus (MED STUDENT! ;OOO) Kelvin went down to his platform and was super late for his train =\ SORRY! But yes seeing Kelvin talk up to a giant Alex towering over him was quite a sight xD

Rest of the night is history!! NOW I BED (after the to-do list).

Oh just quickly, got drunk-dialled by Luke as he was being driven home by Matt lol. Turns out the Sb guys + Luke went out drinking on the night before uni and got plastered haha. Good job xD Dwdw Lookyoung...I don't judge. Just take care of yourself bro.

ALSOALSOALSO!!! WE GOT INTO THE LIVE AUDITION YAYYYY!!! (News in from Angeween) Congrats everyone on the hard work!! Now we must polishpolishpolish for the end of March -nods-.

Urrghhh I'm going to crash soon T_T

Nightsies~