I've been sleeping too much...I slept 12 hrs from 4am to 4pm today.
The exhaustation...both physical and mental...finally took over after 2 and half hours of pain.
And I sunk into the only escape I could find. Deep sleep, away from reality.
LOL I'm gonna fail my trials. Like no joke.
English Ext is on Monday...and I don't know shit.
Modern is on Tuesday...and I know less than nothing.
HSC cont and ext is on next Saturday and the following...I may as well start looking for a toilet cleaner job (words out of my dad's mouth LOL).
The problem is...I keep looking forward to what's after HSC hehe ><;;
The thing with organising our trip down south is that I keep thinking about how awesome it will be =)
And yes, true to a specific person's suggestion, it would be more fun with guys there.
Good for you, I'm glad that you will have that classic experience.
Unfortunately, our collective moral standards are too tight.
I wish for it too.
But maybe, I'd be coming too close to your higher standards.
I must push myself back down.
I'm not allowed that privelege.
I havn't really posted properly in a long time.
Words sometimes seems insufficient.
I guess I've been delusional in thinking that words was enough to express what it meant to me.
Maybe in your eyes it proves I was delusional.
Or maybe that's what it proves to me.
Disillusionment.
No, not there yet.
I'm dead weight.
A bad memory of the past.
A burden you're rid of now.
Yes I'm happy, for you.
To be happy for you, I've killed myself.
And yes I use the term very loosely.
I've devalued myself to the point that I don't know who I am anymore.
You think you don't get me?
Join the club.
I wish I could be mad at you.
I wish I could tell you how shit you make me feel,
and that what you say to me hurts like a dagger ripping through my heart.
So why does that dagger keep missing?
Why is what you're trying to destroy in me the only thing you keep missing?
You've taken away everything except what you want gone from me, what I feel for you.
You'll be done soon won't you? Soon...you'll reach your goal.
Soon I'll have nothing left for you to take away.
This is my punishment.
I'll be a shell of what I was two years ago.
You question why I've changed so much,
Why I've become the ugly person I am now.
Isn't this what you're doing?
Isn't that what you want?
Whether you like it or not, you made me this way.
Call it guilttripping, spite, whatever you want, I'd tell you it's not but you wouldn't believe me.
And calling it that won't change the fact that it's true either.
I didn't give. Therefore I didn't love.
I wish I could tell you that's some fucked up philosophy.
That I gave you my heart and soul.
That I poured out every inch of me to you.
But you wouldn't believe me. Or you would but you'd think, and I agree with you, those things don't matter. It wasn't enough.
I was greedy, selfish.
I drank up all you gave me and didn't realise how much that actually was.
You loved me once.
I once mattered.
I wish I could be proud that I still believe that.
Now I'm another shallow stranger.
A obscure, blurred face you can't see behind everything else in your life.
A facet of your life that once meant more.
I can't believe you would use the excuse of it being my first one, to say that I was naive.
That I took it too seriously.
That there is no scar on my heart.
That I will be able to love like that again.
Is that what it is to you?
Something you can easily find again?
A failed experiment?
But hey, I'm only talking about me.
This is all about me.
How self-centred I am.
Things never change huh?
I'm not asking you to accept who I am.
I realised that I will never be good enough by your standards.
Unless I could do what you do, I would never be the one for you.
Keep walking away.
Don't turn around.
I might just break into a million pieces if you look around at me.
I'm content if from now on I only see your receding back.
I don't deserve anything else.
You were my happiness.
Thank you, even if it doesn't matter anymore.
Even if I can't be with you even as friends now...
I still love you.
This stupid, ridiculous, inarticulate, incoherent, naive, childish girl still loves you.
さようならと言わないよ～
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