Hmm it's been a while.

Maybe cos today in general made me think about some things but I suddenly felt like blogging.

[unrelated: I'm looking at my screen and I keep seeing a grey circle slowly moving up the white screen...I swear its my epileptic light trolling me]

I'm not one much for recording the day's events...I'm not articulate enough to put it in words. Instead I'm jsut gna...muse...

Firstly...I miss how things used to be. Back when I could talk to you at the drop of a hat. Technically I still can but things have changed. I'm not there for you...you don't really keep up with me either. Maybe I'm underestimating you, and on second thoughts you know me a lot better than I give you credit for. That's always been the case. But I think that as part of your good nature towards all people in general, rather than myself. That's a selfish thought isn't it. As for me, I don't make half as much effort as you deserve. But that's the problem...you can't expect to get more out of it than you put in. I've relied on that for way too long. I let that be the case way too much. Either way, our relationship feels a bit superficial now. It's distant, fun when it needs to be but so disconnected that sometimes, the self-imposed abyss in between is unbridgeable. It makes me sad and guilty...because I'm pretty sure it was my fault. I hate that those words became true. I let his opinion become fact. The closest will suffer.

On another note, I thought I had changed. I like to pretend I have. But in truth I'm the same form of ugly I tried escaping for all that time. I was only deluding myself into thinking that this time round I'd be more mature, be less stupid. In reality, I'm just better at hiding it. Lies. I'm just lying to myself and you. But from experience, would it really do much good if you knew? Would you be different? I like to think that the answer comes with why things are as they are now, a lot better. Perhaps I'm just afraid that I'll be judged just like I was before. That it will be the same cycle I could never break out of, the same open-ended question I was never able to provide an answer to. The same problem that I claimed was my own but eventually became everyone elses because I didn't have the courage nor strength to deal with it. To change myself. And I'd only be proving that true if I asked you for help in telling you. Which is why I can't. I can't do that to you or any of them. Maybe it was unclear cos of my stupiditity before, but I know for sure this time they're good people and that it's all in my head. Cowardly as it is, I'd rather bottle it up than let you know this dark side of my mind.

Which brings me to my next point. Old habits die hard. And the mini freak out tonight shows just how aware I am of the problem and yet choose to ignore it/do nothing about it. I'm lucky because good people tolerate it. I'm shown forgiveness I don't deserve, and take that for granted. Maybe I'm thinking way too much into this, but I know that's my ego speaking. Realistically, that painful silence and blank look in your eyes said just how much it's not fair and how much I'm disappointing you. And I'm scared everytime it happens I'll lose you more. But there's the catch. I only get scared when people start showing cracks, when things start coming back to bite me. I'll always leave it till too late. I'll always rely on other people's forgiveness to save me. There's only so many times you can be excused before what you swept under the rug or pushed the limits of explodes. Or implodes.

I need to fix up my life. It sounds a lot more worldy than I mean. I don't mean my life is horrible #fwp stuff. I mean, I miss people. I miss how things used to be. I miss the atoms and always going to the centre circle knowing there'd be someone waiting. I miss those 2 speds and the connection we felt as similar but very different people. I miss canoodling in the library and making funny dinosaur noises. I miss I miss rolling my eyes at alcoholics and making hopefully good-natured sarcastic remarks cos she's a princess. I miss night-time city rendesvous with teasing retards and trolling tb and chasing them for being mean and train funsies with unco people. I miss silent playground and pictionary on conference-call. I miss trolly confusing non-blood related sibling relationship. I miss lunch buddies.

But most of all, I miss my family.

I realised when I got home and saw the 3 sets of tableware on the dinnertable with finished western style meals that mum only cooks on celebratory days or weekends. I miss teasing my brother about being unco with his chopsticks and dad eating less chicken cos he claims China has the best. I miss mum yelling at us to drink our soup cos we always run off as soon as we finish our rice...because I'm never around for that anymore. I miss never actually setting up the dinner table and leaving Kev to do it cos I was lazy. I miss weekend drives and walking with my arm linked to Kev's and trolling people because we looked like twins but walked like a derpy couple with him trying to get away from me the whole time. I miss a stressful car ride cos my whole family is screaming at me with different directions and are scared shitless as I almost crash into a kerb.

I didn't start crying until that last paragraph.

Apologies for the deeply vague and depressingly personal  post.