Get out of this limbo state. Please.
You have to choose.
Now.

Ok so i'm kinda...cbfed/uber tired.
So not gna post much.
Even though I havn't posted at all for a while O_O

Today was the best day at CO I've had in a while.
Not to say I havnt enjoyed myself.
But...other days I always seem to be dancing alone...cos I always am alone at Angel's class. =(

But today did Bubble Pop with Carmen!!
Major trololololol xD Even though the rest of IJGK'd crew didn't do it I was still very happy.
Lol we were so high.
Sorry Jaye if we were annoying and not being serious =(
But yeah...inappropriate~!! But that's the beauty of it xD

Carmen left, then the next class started.
Had some fun moments with Kelvin David and Daniel~!
Hehe it's been a while :3 (yes I...I am actually severely bothered by the fact that I am out of the loop esp cos I CAN'T...not don't...can't make Wednesdays =( I just...try to get along with it and make the most out of Fridays^^)
We did So Cool by Sistar where i paired up with whitney~!! YAYY!
LOL buttrubbing awkwardness xD
I reiterate, and a certain person out there knows I am referring to them,
BUTT-TO-BUTT IS AWKWARD AND FEELS FUNNY xD
But yes, LOTS OF FUN WITH WHITNEY xD

And then Tommi was full like...challenging us...
I didnt really get the team rivalry stuff but went along with it xD
(this stemmed from Jaye choosing Whitney me and Sharon to group him for demo)
All in all very fun and sexy dance (me and Whitney trying to 'outsex' Sharon LOL)

After class, decided I wasnt bothered to take the Girls HH Crossover class with the Japanese guest.
As much as I wanted to...wasjust too tired and cbfed.
Also there was some srs gossip going on xD

Discussing the Shinee kids kpop group performing at Animania as well.
Ayeeeshh group rivalry.
But I concur...I don't particularly wanna perform with them either...although I probs am not...yet...at the stage where shared company is undesirable LOL

[ ] and [ ] !!!?!?! 20yr diff much! (actually more like...12...)
But I dno...personally I don't think that's the case.
At least my respect dictates that much D;
Although the 'marriage' statement was a bit...oshiet...

Oh before I forget~! Thank you for the cookies Dan, Kelvin and whoever else helped buy!!^^

nts: learn Hug me Once and...well other songs that ppl know so I won't stand there like a retard during warmup surrounded by proness D;

Then walked with ppls to get dinner.
Everyone else left to go home and so me, Yuki, Dudu and Justin went to get dinner.
Originally went to Mappen but ppl were overflowing out of the store so went to Tonton Ramen instead~
(inappropraite much...フィッス．ウィールじゃないんだよ！)

Got a Tonton ramen but it was a bit spicy (weak TT) shud've gotten Karaage like Justin instead.
Hmmm Yuki and Dudu? Food for thought.
or maybe...LOL
ok
I am...inexperienced and nooby at this. ><"
Was eating my soggy-from-tomato sandwich also so I got SUPER full after ramen TT
PREGNANT! (Also a reference to the awkward class that was also hilarious today where our whole maths class passed around the question of whether Ms Lee is pregnant again...LOL soooooooooooooooooo dodgy ><" and we did this all right in front of her as she watched...so suspicious. But it is apparently inappropriate to ask D;)

Took train to St Leos with Justin who was whining about having to get off the train and wait 8 minutes xP
Haha but thanks for coming with me ;P
Was rly cold but cbfed to put on jersey cos I would look like I was wearing a jersey-dress.
But got persuaded by Justin to put it on.
Thank god too ><"

...'contact'. A bit...unnerving.
You think...? nah XS


抱いたと言うこととして。。。びっくりした。

One more note.
Marks so far (yeah I failed. I'm not even kidding)
Normally I wouldn't put specific marks up here but...I don't know. Confrontal device?
In order of...passability:

1. History Extension Major --> 38/40
2. English AOS Paper 1 --> 40/45
3. Jap continuers Writing, Reading and Responding B and speaking --> 41.5/50
4. Jap Ext trial essay --> (don't remember but it was pretty bad) Probably around this area....
5. Eng Paper 2 Mod A & B --> 30/40
6. Modern --> 67/100
7. Maths --> 78.5/120

The sad thing is...I actually don't expect any changes to number 4 or above as I collate more marks.
-sigh-

so tired.

I have to clear out my old U300 laptop for my dad to sell by morning...fuck.

Copy of the message to Atoms <3

Message to the Atom circle (and everything/one it represents)

Hello, how have u been? =)

I'm sorry for being out of touch.
I don't seem to see you much anymore.
I'm sorry for that because I know I should be making a bigger effort.

Our relationship...is not bad but its not great either.
It pains me to think I don't have much time left with you.
So much that I wish I could rewind time just to do things over again.

But time does not reverse.
I've learnt the brunt of that lesson recently.
I think the thing I hate most is that I didn't rely on you more.
I've almost by choice alienated myself.
And yet you still welcome me with open...arms...(lol electron circles?) -science fail-

Today I sat in the empty circle for a whole period.
Although no one was there, the place echoed with all the memories I've shared in that circle.
I was not lonely.
I was home.
This place will always be where the people I hold closest to my heart are.

~~~

I love you guys.
So much.
I'm sorry that I've been the way I am.
It's embarrassing that I even made you guys worry about it, even if you are my friends.
Thank you for all the support that I don't deserve,
for giving so much to me when all I do in return is take.

And I'm sorry that despite being the oldest sister I've been the one needing babysitting.
I've failed as the oldest (and biggest) atom.

I don't have much to offer in return,
just that I will try my hardest to make the best memories in these last three months with you.
Thank you, thank you in a way that I can't even start to express in words.

I love you my babies! <3

It's ok if it's a phrase you throw around often.
I wouldn't know cos I don't know you that well
For all I know, it may not be a very significant statement for you.
But thank you so much.
I don't know why I couldn't take things like these before...I hate compliments.
But, the straightforwardness you said it with was...it was <3
It's the first time since...since a long time someone has told me something like that (with Sabbers and Duck being exceptions LOL)

"oh by the way i reckon [ur] hot
no beautiful
r u okay :)"

-totally not a superficial bitch LOL-

ENOUGH ANGST!

>[

-sigh-

'flowers and rainbows for everyone' 8)

RAWR

Be.happy.damnit xD [-being a psychotic btch-]

...

faaaarrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkk

i'm seriously going bi-polar D;

'dokdokdokdokdok' (-hitting head anime style-)

... T_T

I miss you damnit.

Wish me luck for Jap continuers tomorrow~!! =)
I havn't studied much....
But it's ok~!

Weird fantasies in the shower LOL. Fantastical aspirations much...

Did I mention I slept till 2pm/4pm today? lulz...
And my neck hurts. Might have slept badly. Or Angel's crazy dance xD 'Tonight I'm gonna smack a bitch >]'
Btw that's not aimed at anyone fyi. The song was just pretty...empowering when we were dancing to it.
Yes.

On another note: I'm sorry for blowing up and getting pissed. Again I blew it out of proportion. And I took it out on u. You're innocent. But I still stand by what I said in the last post. I...I can't. I still love you.

Going to Sabbers's house tomorrow =) after...jap...T_T
Apparently Shum will be at Usyd too~!! hopefully will see him =)
Shooom xD

The Sweet 4^2 banner makes me rly wonder how much effort I should put into 18.
Is it worth it?
What if...it just turns into another one of...
NO!
Don't think like that.

Have.Some.Faith.
...woman.
xD

(It's been a while...)
'Dumb broad.'

Dear internet world oblivion,

I don't know who/what's out there. Maybe you should introduce yourself. Sometimes I feel like talking to a stranger would be easier than talking to your closest friend. No pressures. No imposed ideas. No obligation. No nothing.

Just.words.

I feel so insignificant. I look around my own room and it feels unfamiliar, cold, blunt. Everything is just material and surface. The emptiness inside me fills with this loneliness. Not a space that used to be occupied by someone. Just...inside. Like the neverending feeling you get listening to a swirly shell. The sound seeming endless.

A nothingness.
Filled with nothing.
That's what I feel like.

[I tried to fill it with dance...but dance is only momentary]

Maybe I sound melodramatic. I'm not trying to be. I don't think I am.
Normally this is an angstbank.
Today, I just want to write.

I don't know who I can trust any more.
Things have changed so drastically, and yet, have I changed?
Or have I stayed stagnant...

No. If I had remained trapped in that time, it would have been...things would have changed differently.

Dan says I havn't changed at all. I still smile a lot, I'm high.
I think visiting that comfortable familiarity allowed me to transform back.
It was so comfortable.
Just no pretences. No appearances.
Pure 'us'.
Talking for 5 hours. About....nothing.
But it could never end.
Even at the finish, there was still more to be said.
It reminded me too much of something else.
Of another time gone, out of my reach.

I want to preserve that scene, that portion of myself.
A small strip of film that is surrounded by chaotic destruction all around.
Just that short snippet.
Preserve it.
So that I don't forget who I was, who I should be.
And why I'm not.

1. I cannot...I'm sory. It's my fault, I took things too much to heart. But I can't trust you anymore. I can't.

2. We could've. I think so. In another world, another dimension, where space didn't matter. We're too similar. I like to believe it could've happened. It's almost saddening it can never. But thank you. You mean so much to me, in the midst of all this that I just want to escape from. I could never forget it. I swear by the two chest thumps and a peace sign. Just between us. You're a special memory.

3. I hesitate at this number. I'm unsure what there's to be said, even though there's so much welling up inside me. I can't think straight. Yet when I look in the mirror, at myself, inside me, it's all so crystal clear. As mud. This is what it's always like. Always fluctuating. Never static. Never decided. Never just...simple. The change in heart is good. I wish you hadn't found out. It cannot be helped.

4. You are...so understanding. You surprised me. I wish we were closer. I misjudged you, and for that I'm sorry. Show me how you can just...yeah. I hope it will be ok. You've been through a lot, seemingly always at war. You deserve someone good =)

5. Too close xD physically...it makes me slightly uncomfortable. Everything else, you're so supportive it really means a lot to me. But yeah...I hope you can understand that...I still need that physical barrier. It's too...it reminds me too much. Please try to understand.

I think...my faith in people have been shaken. -sigh- oh well. My loss. (that's not meant to make sense)

Sexy analogy:

"If I put it under my bed,when I'm sleeping it will just feel like when when you're a kid and you're scared that there's a monster under their bed."

lalalalalalalalalalalala~ Lol saying that made me think of...'nananananananana BATMAN!'

soooooo random...
LOL SOOOOOOOOOOO GoOOOOODDD
haha that's a reference to the fact that there's a NEW DAVID SO VID UP!!! <33333333333

Love.that.guy. >]

On the phone with Sabbers right now so won't be posting yet but will post later about my day =)

Chookers. (LOL i don't know how that is relevant at all ><;;)

Just slept for 13 hours on a school day~~~

Haha its ok... i hav e continuers trials at 1:30.

should be ok -nods-

Aside from that...

Ok. =) 'Whatever u saybuddy.'

WHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Ah nuu i didnt charge my phone last night TT

Btw sorry sabbers, I never woke up that's why I didnt text you D;

I would take you back.
But that's because it's you.

The difference is I wouldn't take ME back.

I don't expect anything. I tried never to even back then.
Now I don't even have the right to.
Expectation, however, is very different from just wanting it.
Want is all I can do.
'Do what you want'.
How can I do that when everything I want, everything I try to do to make things better,
it's all just going to backfire.
It's all just...wrong.
It's all just not good enough.


I should've known without you telling me.
I know that.
Everytime I think back, I wish I'd known how to make the right judgements.
It's not that I don't remember the bad stuff.
I know you don't want that back.
I know neither of us wants that back.
For whatever outcome we're looking for, I'd hope that I'm not the only one that changes for the better.
I don't expect you to do it for me.
In fact I know you won't.
Change for yourself.
I think, that's what I want to do but...so far I'm still doing it for you.
I realise that's a problem.
I'll get it soon, don't worry.
Then again I'm not your concern anymore.
That's not spite either.

I don't expect you to be sorry to me because I don't deserve it.
It's meant to be me apologising.
It always will be.
Even if I change, you will always be that level higher.

I am, however, curious as to who 'another' is.
What can't you do.
What isn't worth it.
What do you have to apologise for?
Are you apologising on behalf of me?
Am I your past responsibility that you need to apologise for?
Questions I want answered because I don't know what goes on in your head.
But questions that I don't deserve answers to.
You gave me the opportunity to ask, but how much am I really entitled to know.

I don't know.
Please don't be mad.
If what I say here is wrong.
I'm only trying to think for myself.
Then again, I tried that and it completely backfired today.
Initiative just doesn't seem to work with me...because when I do take it, it always ends up wrong.

I don't expect nor think u do agree with me when I say this.
And I know I can't ever really see things from your perspective.
Because I don't know how much you kept from me.
But I'm going out on a limb...a limb overhanging a cliff and saying that from your eyes, I still think...
The relationship's worth it.
But maybe I'm not.
I want to tell you I can persuade you otherwise.
That I'll convince you I'm better than what I've shown you.
That you didn't waste your time and effort.
That I'm not just bad judgement, loose morals, inconsideration and ignorance of you.
I want to...but it's already too late.
You've passed your judgement on me.
Even if I change, you will probably have moved too far away to see it.

I think, the words 'don't love' are not painful.
Those aren't what break my heart.
It's when you 'don't care'...that I wonder what changed.
Apathy is the most hurt you can do to someone.
But then, why would you care.
I didn't care enough for you.
I only cared about myself.
That's why you don't love me anymore.
My heart's a shallow price to pay compared to what I did to you.
Oh well, who cares about my heart.

P.S. [warning self-justifying rant. Don't read if you're cbf] i didn't say it was ok. You forget that we were asking questions about things that were potentially not ok. No, I'm not comfortable with it. I wouldn't be comfortable even with Jaye putting his hands on my hips and he's the teacher of this 'art'. You seem to think I have no sense of moralistic barriers. So you think there's no respect in it...so is this 'art' also disrespectful then? I reiterate...I'm NOT ok with it. This might not be enough evidence for you but even BEFORE us, it has never happened. And now AFTER us, if it were to happen I wouldn't be ok with it. Not to even mention DURING us. And if you're not ok with it then why did you say you were? I thought we were asking questions to find out the other's real opinion. In fact, yes I'd like to know why as well, why you told me things were ok when they weren't during the relationship. What did YOU hope to achieve in being noble? For things to be more fun for me, to make things more comfortable for me? To test me to see if I could change by myself? If you wanted me to change, then don't let me become a person you are ashamed of. No one wants to be allowed to do that. Now I'll ask you to put yourself in my position. If you'd been doing things wrong, wouldn't you have liked to know it? Wouldn't you want to know? I told you when I wasn't comfortable with it because I'd like to think I'm not only speaking from a gf bias, but also from a wider view. Ahhhh but there's the paradox I'm missing. I should've known. I don't know how. But I should've. It's not relevant whether you could've told me. And the fact that I didn't realise when I should've known, means that there's a problem with how I think... -sigh- Let's just leave it at the fact that I'm a bad person who took your kindness and 'noble-ness' for granted, and eventually was blinded by it. Blind of my own preposterous faults and wrongdoings. Well GG, it's a bit late to be realising this now isn't it Bec? You're supposed to fix this all BEFORE you fuck things over. BEFORE you lose what you don't deserve to begin with.

Ok so I take all the above sections back.
I can't convince you I"m worth it.
Because I'm not.
It's simple, fact, and final.

-siiiiggghhhh-

edit: To person who reviewed this, sorry for troubling u ><;; it's blown out of proportion on blog i think...if that makes sense. So yeah, err...sorry if it sounds melodramatic and all :S

[Wow it seems like I'm always just berating myself in blog posts nowadays...]

I want to do this.
But...it will look like a facade.
Which is ironic because this time my intentions (wait sorry not 'this time'...that makes it sound like it wasnt before ><) my intentions are genuine.
I want to make things right.
Set things straight.

But...finding out that you're a judgemental person makes me afraid.
I hate being judged.
I'm so scared of leaving a sour impression.
And I'm aware I've already done that.
If you can find it in your heart to forgive me even though I have given u no reason to,
perhaps I can move forward, and we can operate on a different level to what crap I've made it about before this.

I want to make peace...from my view. I know you've been good the whole time, it's all been in my head.
I want to make amends.
I'm hoping you will help me do that.

Of course...this is a problem because I want to do this now but I don't have the time xD
And once I have time it will be your turn...

aiish ==

Hmmm... I should stop reading into things so much...
It really makes me get the wrong idea ><;;

That aside, I should really study for modern.
I was UBER hungry after getting back from Eng Ext (let's not even talk about that...fucking....romanticisim...fuckikngdlkjresfjjpgdf)
cos I ate really little for dinner last night.
Under the delusion I can cheat my way into losing weight.
Looks like my stomach doesnt agree ==
So I cooked a whole pack of Nissin instant ramen, and a cheese easy mac.
SO YUUMMMMMMMYYYY
but so fattening =(
PERSERVERENCE!
Oh yeah then I slept.
For 3 hours.
-point of dieting gone out the window...-

DINNER NAO!

*NTS: talk to sabbers about her letter....after thurs's exam LOL