There's so many things that I think "I want to write about this!" and open up the blog writer, but never get around to finishing it lol. But just reflecting a lot tonight so why not?

Today I went to a lunch with my longtime family/childhood friends Eunica, Steven, Andy and Jimmy (and respective plus ones haha). It's something we decided we wanted to do ever since Jimmy's Christmas house party last year. I guess that feeling of seeing each other again after a whole life of high school and time apart made us really appreciate our years as friends up till now, so we felt like a catch up/hanging out as 'old people' now haha.

As we were walking down the road to Darling Harbour behind each other under umbrellas with our respective plus ones (haha Andy and Steven shared an umbrella cos they were each other's plus ones...nawwwww), I saw Jimmy walking ahead with Harleen (whom I met for the first time today), holding hands with her. It was strange because I obviously knew they were a couple and everything but seeing Jimmy being intimate and a bf figure with someone I didn't know after knowing him for so long, it was like a shock to my naive childhood self. Haha sounds weird. I guess it was the realisation that we all had really moved onto the next stages of our lives, still holding onto the memories we all shared and that were bonding us together, and yet we are changing constantly, that to stop and worry about it will only result in being left behind. I felt it a little back in high school when everyone was getting friend circles within their respective high schools that I could never understand nor be a part of, but it wasn't as strong a concern I think because I thought of it as a given, what with us all being in separate high schools, while now we're all 'grown up' in our uni stages where we have the liberty, desire and means to see each other of our own accord. For some reason seeing us all being involved in our own relationships now makes the change so much more apparent. I guess I'm still coming to terms with that. But as I watched Jimmy and Harleen walking in front of us hand-in-hand, I found comfort in the warm hand that was holding mine tightly and, at least momentarily, my uncertainty dissipated and I knew it was a good thing for all of us.

As D drove me home with the rain pelting down on the car windows, the harbour couldn't be seen from the bridge at all because of the fog, and it looked almost like a winter wonderland. Despite the raging violent weather outside, the sounds were soothing. I like the sound of rain haha. And listening to HSM on the way home, with both of us just belting our hearts out as if knowing exactly which corresponding parts to sing, I felt completely at peace. Doing something so simple and so shamelessly, it was like we were children just able to share our love for something we both enjoyed, and nothing else mattered nor existed except for that very moment we were experiencing together. It's moments like this that I wish everything would just pause and I could sit there with my eyes taking it in so I never forget it. In fact, I WAS sitting there with my eyes closed at times and almost crying out of happiness (weirdo...hormonally unstable I swear.)

I tried to think of a title that could sum up this post. But after 10 minutes I still had nothing. Therefore....nothing.

I already told E this, but the insecurities of having people judge me for what I write keeps me from posting. Oh and the laziness hurr. I also tend to say things that are used against me, or are wrong, so I guess past experience keeps me away from the world of blog, or at least writing in it. But I figured why not. What's the worst that could happen? At this rate those that would judge or criticise already have, so why worry.

I don't really need to say it but for recapping's sake; a lot has happened since my last post. A different me, a different every day, a different perspective. I've gained and lost [weight hurr] on different degrees. By choice and as a conseqeuence.

My parents recently went overseas and I've been living alone with my brother for 2 weeks. It caused much raging because my brother is a lazy teenager so I got my unfair share of housework, but at the same time I've been blessed with some quality time to get to know him. He's a lot more mature than I give him credit for, and sometimes he surprises me with how quickly he catches on to things, both about the world around him and about me. Perhaps it's no longer me who's looking after him. It makes me remember my overprotective phase when I used to cry talking about him for no reason...-hormonal weirdo-. I guess I'm at a place where I  don't worry about how he'll handle himself in the future anymore. Like right now, sitting in my parent's room as I type this up, I can hear the sounds of gunshots and explosions as he plays Halo and at the same time sings offtune to popping music that he asked Keanu for. It's like he's the same as he's always been, but a different familiarity now encompasses our relationship. He comes to talk to me about his newfound passion for dance and about his friends and problems, sharing thoughts about how he sees other people and the world around him. I guess I'm really thankful that he trusts me enough to ask me for advice and my opinion to this day. I'm proud to be his sister, and hope I don't let him down.

On that note, as we were talking after I got back from buying groceries today, Kev started raging about how ML dissed the Australian kpop scene and IJGK'd (and some members) specifically as they watched some of our old videos, specifically the Crossover 2011 and Cry Cry ones. Kev was really angry about M and how shallow his values of dance were, as well as the lack of respect he had for the passion of dance and kpop. It's almost endearing that Kev was so protective about it. M saying that [x] was crap and something about [y] and that our sync was crap made me think about how we value ourselves. I told Kev, and think honestly that yes we're not professionals or that skilled, and not even anywhere near good compared to talent out there. But our individual (different and similar) qualities and styles as both dancers and people, all of that coming together, the experiences, memories and passion of dancing as a crew no matter what the motivations, having come together and cooperated and worked hard on performances, is more important than how good the outcomes are and how other people view us. Which is why for someone who doesn't know us, or even someone who does, to judge us superficially based on ability seen in performances and videos doesn't mean anything. At least that's what I think. In the end, life only matters as far as the people I care about and the ones who care about me, so to be bothered by anything else is just overthinking.

I think I meant to make a different point when starting that paragraph, but oh well. My thoughts are just jumbled up right now.

What counts as doing the wrong thing? I made a choice that became part of reason for why things are the way they are now. Many people disapprove, and according to them it was the wrong choice, because we chose happiness over someone else's. Does that make a wrong decision then? Does that mean that as long as there is sadness and anger, those who are happy are in the wrong? Are people only allowed to make choices that make everyone happy?

In the midst of this episode of 'drama', I'm losing a friend who I've held dear for a long time. Since we became friends, we've shared experiences, laughter, tears and plain herp derps for many years. The decision I made has changed our relationship...in fact I'm not even sure what that relationship is anymore. This person doesn't  agree or approve of the choice I made, because it made their (and my) other friends sad. I want to know what this person's opinion is, but because I think they don't want to talk to me, I haven't forced conversation. I'm scared to talk to someone I used to be able to tell almost everything, someone I could call at any time of the day to do or ask anything. On one hand, I tell myself my friendship must not have meant much to this person to begin with if this is all it took for our relationship to break apart. On the other hand, I think this person is amazing because their happiness is so devoted to other people's. It's a selflessness which I guess I'm ashamed to say I do not possess, and always admired in my friend. Never did I think it would be the reason for me losing them. Is it cowardice and/or laziness if I don't pursue them? Because that's how I am. If I know you don't like me/don't approve of what I'm doing, I won't put you in the position of where you have to face me. To me I think that's doing them a favour, or perhaps that's an excuse for not trying harder to win them over. It sounds a bit melodramatic, perhaps it doesn't even mean that much to that person, and it's all in my head. Or perhaps a bad friend like me is just not worth their time anymore. I don't ask that they choose a side, because to me this isn't a war or a matter of sides and alliances. But they chose one regardless, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that means I don't mean much to them anymore. I don't think this person will read this, but if they do, I'd like them to know I'm not talking to them not because I'm devoted to my choice, but because they seem to have made theirs, and I'll respect that.

Many would probably read that (not that anyone will read this blog cos I'm unimportant haha) and think I'm being cowardly or a bad friend. If I was a good friend, I would retract my decision for other people to be happy right? They're probably right. Maybe I'm deluding myself and making excuses to seem noble. Again, perhaps I'm not trying and giving up before I've even made an effort. Yeah I think I've heard that somewhere before. Maybe I'll always be that bad person who let go because I chose my own happiness first. Someone out there is feeling really smug right now.

Despite all this, call me a bad friend, but I don't regret my decision. Many things are a shame, to me and to the other parties as well. But I believe that I am truly happy right now. I think I am happier than I have been in a long time. 'Content' I guess is the right word. But in this world, it's a crime to be happy when another person is sad. Than in itself is a personal slight. All I can do is hold dear and appreciate those who will accept me for who I am and the decisions I make.

And on that depressing note, I'm off to make fried rice for dinner. -random-