WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH I WANT TO DAAAIIIIII~! (excuse the bad pun...i'm sure you're used to it by now LOL)

I hate English Extension and Modern and History Extension T________________T

What the FUCK was I thinking when I decided to take up mostly humanities.

I just want this to be oveerrr T_T

I now honestly wish I'd decided to do 3u and sciences.

FML.

A BIT LATE WOMAN! D;

-sigh-

On another note...
I've been checking my weight a lot recently (paranoia)? And reading Elena's blog made me think about it today...
I wonder how fast my metabolism is O_O
Cos you see...I'm a fatass...when it comes to eating habits LOL
Most people know this if they've seen me eat hehe xD
But...since HSC year started...I've actually not really gained much...if anything I've remained within my 4 kilo range and fluctuated between.
Despite having binged on heaps of junkfood during 'study' I'm right now only 1kg above my minimum weight (minimum since...3 years ago?)
So...this either means I've lost A LOT of muscle (DAAANNNCEEE I MISSS YOUUUU!! T_T) and fat is filling in the lost muscle weight but at a slower rate...
OR...I'm actually...weirdly...using up my weight at a reasonable rate to stay at a constant weight...? (LOL CARMEN HELP ME I DONT DO PD ANYMORE...don't know how this works xP)
ANYWAYZ the point is...i hope that once i start exercising after MY NEXT 5 EXAMS I will drop a bit more :3

(i just realised how bimbo that all sounded...ehe 8D)

Lol quote from Joey in ref to me:
"The sad life of a hsc student: a bag of chips and a highlighter" T______________T
FIGHT ON~! GANBAROU! HWAITING! <3

Can't wait till CHINA BRUZ! <3 Carmen and Renee...GZ BRUZ! SHOPPING AND AMUSEMENT PARK! STUDIO PHOTOS (lol dont judge us) AND FOOOOOOOOOOOOOODZ!

and SCHOOLIES! beach....(T_T BEACH BODY...-inexistent-) but yes waaaaaiii beach^^ sun and sand and water <3

and...formal...-stress- i dont even know why LOL

SO MUCH TO LOOK FORWARD TO BUT SO MUCH TO GET PAST TO GET THERE WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH T_T

 -major excited-

</superficial rant>

Teach me how to have faith in people.
Teach me how to let go.
Teach me how to be 'me', and not for someone else.

Learn.

______________

Why am I defending you?

edit: forget it.

Yeah I thought I was beyond posting up lyrics as well by now...but oh well ><"

Maybe I'll just always be a hopeless child. Never grow up.

Need to wake up and realise that

Life is not a movie.
_________________________

Last night I heard my own heart beating
Sounded like footsteps on my stairs
Six months gone and I'm still reaching
Even though I know you're not there
I was playing back a thousand memories, baby
Thinking 'bout everything we've been through
Maybe I've been going back too much lately
When time stood still and I had you

Come back, come back, come back to me like
You would, you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside 'til I came out
Come back, come back, come back to me like
You could, you could if I just said I'm sorry
I know that we could work it out somehow
But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

I know people change and these things happen
But I remember how it was back then
Locked up in your arms and our friends are laughing
'cause nothing like this ever happened to them,
Now I'm pacing up the hall, chasing down your street
Flashback to a night when you said to me,
"Nothing's gonna change, not for me and you
Not before I knew how much I had to lose"

If you're out there
If you're somewhere
If you're moving on
I'll be waiting for you
Wary, since you've been gone
I just want it back the way it was before
And I just want to see you back at my front door
And I say

Come back, come back, come back to me like
You would before you said it's not that easy
Before the fight, before I screwed things up
But I take it all back now
Come back, come back, come back to me like
You would, you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside 'til I came out
Come back, come back, come back to me like
You could, you could if I just said I'm sorry
I know that we could work it out somehow
But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

It's been a while...

I've started shaking again.
I'm so angry.
I don't even understand why.
So I don't expect other people to.

Especially not you two.

I can't believe this.

Just like that.

All of you.

Ok.

Understood.

Yeah don't mind me.
Just gonna have a rant about stuff...cos if i do it out loud i'll get fked over as well...

There's this horrible moment when you realise you fucked up Belonging.

It's not ok.
Because the paper was supposedly easy.

It's even worse that you realise 9 hours after it finished.

And that you lost your marks all on the easiest part.

Which you didn't write properly because you didn't have common sense.

Modules is scaled to Belonging.

Even if I ace Modules I can't save myself now.

FUCK.

Yeah.
I really want to throw my face through the window.

Smash my brain.

No i'm not being hyperbolic.

I'm just going to hate myself until December, when I'll hate myself more after getting my marks.

iumjjwmJprims/f,bdsGRtwoaerhdtfgsrje5olifdjnhratlijefz'dzhge'j;hzw'em.fzeLFvbc
^state of my brain and conscience...when I should be studying for modules.

oh did I mention? I have no properly prepared essays.

Yep.

Goodbye ATAR.

YES I"M BEING MELODRAMATIC I"M ALLOWED TO BE BECAUSE I NEVER SCREAM NEVER GET ANGRY BUT I"M ACTUALLY REALLY PSYCHOTIC AND PESSIMISTIC AND NOT A NICE PERSON AND JUST.... STUPID.

I hate myself so much right now.

-crying-

I'm sorry.

Again, I said the wrong thing.

It was my fault.

And I protected myself...feeling sorry for myself...

Because I was mad at myself for disappointing you.

But instead I directed the anger at you.

When I really just wanted to be able to talk to you.

And the stupid thing is I kinda did it because I wanted to study and live up to your expectations.

Get all my studying done by 12 for 6 hours sleep again.

Make you proud.

And I just wanted you to be able to study in peace, so that we'll ace this as we promised and so I left the matter before it blew up bigger.

Not to mention have some kind of self-conviction/motivation to get off msn to study properly.

But maybe you're right. Maybe I don't know you...

Maybe I don't know myself...how shallow and insecure I am...how scared I am of being told something I don't want to hear.

Again, I was wrong.

Tty tomorrow.

I'm sorry.

Because 1) I should be sleeping
2) I shouldn't be blogging at all
3) I actually...have not...written a single essay. So for all those out there feeling shit for procrastinating...read this and feel better xD

All I really want to say about today is...it was a good day =)
Despite how shitted I am for English Adv...I'm actually very content at heart right now (Deep&Meaningful shet right there ==)
So I don't know. Maybe it's jsut that I saw so many people at Macquarie today, like just randomly bumped into so many people.
It made me very happy.
Even if I didn't talk to them long.
Or knew them very well at all.

So even though it's creepy, and kinda weird, shoutout to (in order of appearance):
Evan and Gary - cos I'm sorry I ditched u guys at lunch TT Promise to have lunch with u guys...sometime...after lesson =)
Simon - Lucky btch going to Ice skating ;O It has been a while~
Joey - err...just cos? xD Well we studied together today so that counts yeah? xD
Rachel and (boy?)friend - You're so pretty >w< lol <---creeper. But yes...u could've asked that out loud i wouldn't have minded xD BTW UR RLY CUTE WITH SHORT HAIR >D <---creeper again =="
Zac - ZACZAC~! Thankyou for being concerned about my 'yeat hei' (hot air...lol aka unhealthiness) condition.
MISS U ZACZAC!
Jack - Havn't talked in a while too =) But see u around fb all the time for some reason xD
Jiyeon - BAD GIRL MISSED CLASS AGAIN! xD oh dear...ganbatte jiyon-chaaaan~ please make it to class next week...and dont sleep in D;
(Daniel)Park(shit xD) - LOLOLOL feels really weird being referred to as that word again...as in us as a collective...pair...O_O...but yes! was good seeing u xD And I feel approved...somewhat xD (Y) Yay for talking on fb~ (no life...)

So yes...I guess I owe it to Joey for taking me (well me going to myself ==") to Macq and coincidentally bumping into so many ppl~

Special shoutout to Sabbers who I didn't see (but would really like to D;) and I rly hope u'll be ok. Hang on girl <3 Just a few more months and u can relax...not completely cos ur far from that -hug- but a bit more. Here for you <3

Maybe you just don't understand what kind of person she is...
Or maybe my overthinking nature is getting the better of MY judgement.
My parents brought me up to be careful...so I'm sorry, I just can't be that trusting.
I don't want you to get hurt, but at the same time, I want you to see why I feel this way.


I'm a terrible friend.

Yes ignore that thoroughly confusing blab ><"

A <3 for Elena cos of your concern on facebook -hug- I ish OKAY~

Nts: I still have to pay back Weelay, and give her the Actuarial pamphlets.
Also, I still have Kelvin's tie...LOL

So I should really start doing English...

Fuck.

-cue hip thrusting- haha oh the good old days x)

Sorry for the extended non blog.
I've been...distracted....and busy (not really ==)...and lazy D;

Shoutout to IJGK'd people who seem to read but never get anything out of this blog TT
I'm sorry....
On that note I want to write something that's long overdue:

Dear IJGK'd,
I miss you guys so much.
I'm sorry...that I don't really live up to my part in the crew.
Heck, sometimes I don't even know if I have the right to be considered part of it.
I don't dance with u guys...for excuses that don't really...shouldn't be there.
I love dance...and yet I distance myself.
It actually makes me really upset that I've missed out on so many performances and events...on that note I'm REALLY sorry to Dabido and Whitney for missing the bday outing =(
Not being able to dance with the crew...it makes me really sad...just...yeah.
I havn't been contributing to the facebook page, blog or anything.
Essentially I havn't been doing my duty.
And it's not obligation...it's more like...I want to do something more for the crew but all I've been doing is neglecting it.
I'm so sorry.
I love all you guys, and it was an honour to be part of it from the very beginning (WOOT UPSTAGED!)
And when I dance with you guys, I really feel like I'm part of something special.
Cos essentially, it is.
And it makes me so happy I want to hug you guys all that, even though I don't show my face or attend rehearsal for god knows how long, when I come to visit or dance again you guys take me back in and help me so much without even hesitating.
I love IJGK'd...and I promise that I'll make it up to you guys after this stupid test....thing...called the HSC....fml T_T
I havn't cooked anything for the crew before so maybe baking something =DD (...you won't die of food poisoning...no way...xD)
(but seriously...u won't D<)
I hope that soon I'll be able to dance with u guys all again!
<3

On a more emo note though, I don't like who I've become.

I want to become a better person...

My two-facedness bothers me a lot. I saw a prime example today, and to the person (people) who were subject to it, I'm sorry. So much that I want to cry (i've been crying a lot nowadays...emotional wreck ==")
I just want to become a more genuine and sincere person.

The change was bad. If I denied that I'd just be...in denial ==;; And more importantly, changing in front of this person stemmed from a certain emotion that I want to rid myself of anyway.  I don't forget. You don't give me reason to forget either. I just...I let my eyes and mind get the better of me when I feel only slightly like a chime. Cos inevitably...it sometimes...not much...feels like that. I know also that it's mostly my fault...if not all. And I also know that if you're reading this you'd tell me not to pin the blame on anyone cos it won't help anything. Or maybe I got it wrong again O_O. I think, I just...when I don't feel trusted...my judgement flies out the window. It's not logical...I'm not a logical person. As someone else expressed in terms of themself, and I'm saying this because it's not fair that only she can use this phrase as a justification, I'm a fucked up person. I am. I think I try to play it off like I'm innocent and considerate and shit but really...I'm calculating...always comparing myself with other people to determine my own place in the scheme of things. I'm self-motivated, even if I try to do the opposite.

I want to live up to that description you made of me. The defining quality that you hold so dear about me. Because, and I know you see it too, I'm not always like that. I'm just as insincere and sarcastic and frustratingly vague as you don't like in other people. I want to be able to be that person who you value so much, that makes me different in your eyes. Because...I want to stay special to you. Yes, it's a very selfish notion. And yes, my motivations are a bit misguided (although I DO want to change for myself too). But seeing you...trying to be the best that you can be for other people, it inspires me. I want to become the best I can be, and not always have a different thought brewing in my mind or heart that what's coming out my mouth or being done. It's all I can do...to change myself and catch up with how far ahead you're running, when it comes to the quality of people.

I'm not very articulate. Or coherent. I just realised how messed up this all sounds TT Forgive me...

I also need to stop comparing myself to everybody. Because its the basis of my insecurity and lack of confidence. It's a problem. I wish I could be the same person all the time as when I'm dancing (not the slut D; Not THAT side of err...the coin...@_@). Elena said that the routine for Smack You was very empowering (-hug-), and it's true. But it's not just that routine that I feel this. It's not even the people that I dance with...because I know that I danced fine without people i knew for a long time before IJGK'd and Carmen and Elena and NSGB dancers co. came along (although of course it helps to feel a part of something). It's more that, I feel so sure of myself. Even if I make the wrong turn, take a wrong step, put up the wrong hand at the wrong time (poetically symbolic ==") I could still feel safe and know what I'm doing is going in the right direction. Why am I so easily swayed by words and actions of every other sort? I want to be able to be that person...with my own style...my own reasons for what I do and not feel....afraid of being judged or being seen as/being less that certain people. And if I get knocked down or turned back or sidelined in favour or someone/thing else, I'll just pick up these pieces of myself and keep going at my own pace ('just keep swimming~ just keep swimming~' >< Nemo ref.) because I'm better than moping in a corner 'feeling sorry for myself'' (not a stab btw...to particular person...cos it IS true to a certain extent....only sometimes ><) or stepping back and allowing things I don't like seeing to happen or feeling disappointed because I didn't get what I want and consequently not taking no for an answer. I am not a child. (even if I act like one T_T) and I won't settle for making way for other people.

I'm going to fight.


(WOW I jsut realised what a load of bullshit that sounds like...as in probs no one understands what I'm on about anwyayz xD...even for people who know exactly what I'm referring to...MAN I have shet articulation LOL)

And now...I'm going to write a letter/record a video for someone who I have a LOT to say to...potentially...maybe...if I have the guts =="

And that ends my long essay rant.
I'm sorry that my life is not interesting enough to write about xD LIke my day to day...I'm just not bothered xP

Shoutout to Kelvin for listening to me rant about the most above stuff,
and also Bella who I have a lot to thank for and also need to have a long talk to about stuff xD -cue D&M-
And also to Angeline who still has my purple Upstaged shirt LOL!
And to Elena cos I know you will be very happy I blogged xD -hug-
And to Kwaanduck who found a job at Boost (YAYY~! CONGRATS!)
And to Sabbers who should stay off the [cookie] shots...yes there are further implications =\ =(
And to Gary who I think I am starting to annoy in class D; ごめんね。。。本当に煩すぎだね。。。楽しくてがまんできなくて。。。もういやな事になってしまった。これから、ちゃんと自分をコントロルするよ～。
And to Evan for always putting up with my horrible impersonations and jokes and bad sitting habits in class LOL.
And to Elaine cos I know you're reading this and will probs (or am I flattering myself TT) comment in my cbox <3
And to David So who is my GOD! (even though he is a youtube celeb and will NEVER read this...BUT! I love him to bits x3)

I LOVE MY BRO! KEV I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! <33333 EVEN IF YOU ARE A PUFFY EYED CYCLOPS RIGHT NOW! I picked out his formal tie btw buahahahaha >] (<----creeper)

And that reminds me (WTF HOW MUCH MORE TANGETIAL CAN U GET WOMAN ==") I finally got a black skinny tie ;3 ...When I'll wear/need it I have NO idea but...HEY! =DDDDDD ....I have no justification xD

<3 see u guys