I'm a freaking walking raincloud...
People should just put up umbrellas and try to avoid me till I go away.

Yeah story of my life...

I was...wayyy too excited in the morning. Maybe that contributed to my gloom and doom in the arvo. I'm like a sine curve LOL...
Hoped too much. Wished too much.

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Sorry to Sabbers for txting like a douche today T_T rly am...

And sorry to Carumen-chan for ditching u D; <3 TOMORROW/SOMETIME SOON! WILL MAKE IT UP TO U!

And sorry to A cos I realised you were trying really hard to make things better despite me pushing the other way. You were really supportive and tried genuinely to lift the mood. Respect (Y) Also, I'm still confused. About whether you approve of me. But then again, after today's display of, in your terms, 'melodrama', I'm sure I've set in concrete that there are better...MUCH better.









[don't read past if you know what's good for you]
And...yeah. I don't even know how to put what I want to say to you in words. it's like...that move in Before U Go; [Deo himdeulgo sseureojil jido molla] forced further down until you have to hold onto your heart so that it doesn't break. Yeah I did leave something behind...a long time ago. I just don't think you know it's there. Maybe you don't care either...I don't blame you. Every time that light came up...I was just forced further into the ground. I was stretching cos pain combats pain. Emotional combatted with physical. I'm sure you know what I mean. I just...yeah. And when you walked away just like that...I just wanted a hug. That is all. I couldn't even call out to you. I never could, even back then. I'm such a coward. No...I can't think like this. I should be better (fuck i'm saying that too much these past few days...self-important bitch...) I just...enjoy seeing you. The times we get to spend together...(yes...alone...) are just some of the most happy times when I can be myself completely. I was happy I'd see you. So happy. Everyone frekaing person in my maths class this morning would know how excited I was...fuck. I guess, yeah. I just don't adapt well to change in situations. Evidenced by the fact that your recent messages list being 80% female bothered me. but its ok...actually maybe its not for you. I'm sure that if you were reading this right now you'd be thinking...'Fuck I can't take this anymore. I give up. Do whatever the fuck you want. I don't have to put up with this shit. This is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I'm stuck with this problem forever. Just leave me the fuck alone. Grow the fuck up.' I hate that I agree with you. I hate that I can't disagree with you. Just like I couldn't tell you what was wrong when you looked me in the eye and asked me. I'm just paralysed when you look at me like that. I was too ashamed of myself. Too ashamed of how I felt and what I had done the whole day to tell you. I'm a disgrace to myself. You're right, I've fallen a long way from when we first met. I hate that I still feel this way. I hate that it's killing me. I hate that right now...you text other girls how you used to text me...now I'm the exception. I'm the one black mark on your record. You...you were smiling and chuckling so sweetly as you read and typed...it kills me. And I hate that you look good in your jersey (LOLWTF...no i don't hate it....it's just annoying that you do compared to me in my oversized one ==). But the point is...yeah I dno. I'm obviously a freaking obsessed person who doesn't know what's good for her. Yeah...you'd think that once would be enough to tell you...the consequences aren't worth it. That [_ _._ _] ATAR estimate is enough to prove that I threw everything away...for what? To sit in the corner and stare sadly at the scattered fragments of me you still have lying around in inconspicuous places? Pieces you havn't even fixed...despite saying you would over a year ago. Yeah...I'm a mess. I don't know who can tell anymore. Do I try hiding it? Maybe. How many cracks can you count? How many till I break in half? It's ok, I have sticky tape. It seemed to work with the other thing. But then again, just like that thing, I'm never going to be the same. That shiny sheen of the sticky tape that isn't the right texture, that just visible repaired line where it used to be a rip. How much wear and tear can I take...before I rip again?
BUT HEY...this is all in my head yeah? I'm the only one who's thinking all this. I'm the only one who has a problem with ANY of it. It's my problem. I don't think I'm going to win this bet, cos I have that much faith in you. It might nto seem like it, quite the opposite. But I know that my sense of insecurity is attributed to sentimentality and mindfucking paranoia only. I'm well aware...that you're a good person. A wonderful person. Heck I'd know. But at this rate, maybe me losing would be a good thing. You deserve that happiness. You know what I realised? Yeah I think the non x-rated winnings of that bet works...Cos when I DO win, I'm going to need a hell of a lot to to drink to drown out the realisation of just how much I've actually lost in winning that bet. Yeah. -totally planned-. Don't worry I'd be happy for you. For as long as you could see. And then again, you read me like a book. Where else have I got to hide what I don't want you to see? You've already picked me out even between the lines.

edit: So I just opened up Fb...and died. -sigh- I am so ok. I'm so...totally not ok. -shakes myself- GET OVER YOURSELF WOMAN!

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SO... now that my emo rant is over (to whoever actually read all that...I admire your perserverence and I apologise for the disgustingly melodramatic word-spuke...yes that's my new word) I am going to get back to Modern...which was due so long ago...
I'm rly letting everyone down.
And Miss Arrow was so nice about me being late handing it in as well...-bad student-
I'm so sorry... T_T

NO CALLS TILL MODERN IS DONE!