I would take you back.
But that's because it's you.

The difference is I wouldn't take ME back.

I don't expect anything. I tried never to even back then.
Now I don't even have the right to.
Expectation, however, is very different from just wanting it.
Want is all I can do.
'Do what you want'.
How can I do that when everything I want, everything I try to do to make things better,
it's all just going to backfire.
It's all just...wrong.
It's all just not good enough.


I should've known without you telling me.
I know that.
Everytime I think back, I wish I'd known how to make the right judgements.
It's not that I don't remember the bad stuff.
I know you don't want that back.
I know neither of us wants that back.
For whatever outcome we're looking for, I'd hope that I'm not the only one that changes for the better.
I don't expect you to do it for me.
In fact I know you won't.
Change for yourself.
I think, that's what I want to do but...so far I'm still doing it for you.
I realise that's a problem.
I'll get it soon, don't worry.
Then again I'm not your concern anymore.
That's not spite either.

I don't expect you to be sorry to me because I don't deserve it.
It's meant to be me apologising.
It always will be.
Even if I change, you will always be that level higher.

I am, however, curious as to who 'another' is.
What can't you do.
What isn't worth it.
What do you have to apologise for?
Are you apologising on behalf of me?
Am I your past responsibility that you need to apologise for?
Questions I want answered because I don't know what goes on in your head.
But questions that I don't deserve answers to.
You gave me the opportunity to ask, but how much am I really entitled to know.

I don't know.
Please don't be mad.
If what I say here is wrong.
I'm only trying to think for myself.
Then again, I tried that and it completely backfired today.
Initiative just doesn't seem to work with me...because when I do take it, it always ends up wrong.

I don't expect nor think u do agree with me when I say this.
And I know I can't ever really see things from your perspective.
Because I don't know how much you kept from me.
But I'm going out on a limb...a limb overhanging a cliff and saying that from your eyes, I still think...
The relationship's worth it.
But maybe I'm not.
I want to tell you I can persuade you otherwise.
That I'll convince you I'm better than what I've shown you.
That you didn't waste your time and effort.
That I'm not just bad judgement, loose morals, inconsideration and ignorance of you.
I want to...but it's already too late.
You've passed your judgement on me.
Even if I change, you will probably have moved too far away to see it.

I think, the words 'don't love' are not painful.
Those aren't what break my heart.
It's when you 'don't care'...that I wonder what changed.
Apathy is the most hurt you can do to someone.
But then, why would you care.
I didn't care enough for you.
I only cared about myself.
That's why you don't love me anymore.
My heart's a shallow price to pay compared to what I did to you.
Oh well, who cares about my heart.

P.S. [warning self-justifying rant. Don't read if you're cbf] i didn't say it was ok. You forget that we were asking questions about things that were potentially not ok. No, I'm not comfortable with it. I wouldn't be comfortable even with Jaye putting his hands on my hips and he's the teacher of this 'art'. You seem to think I have no sense of moralistic barriers. So you think there's no respect in it...so is this 'art' also disrespectful then? I reiterate...I'm NOT ok with it. This might not be enough evidence for you but even BEFORE us, it has never happened. And now AFTER us, if it were to happen I wouldn't be ok with it. Not to even mention DURING us. And if you're not ok with it then why did you say you were? I thought we were asking questions to find out the other's real opinion. In fact, yes I'd like to know why as well, why you told me things were ok when they weren't during the relationship. What did YOU hope to achieve in being noble? For things to be more fun for me, to make things more comfortable for me? To test me to see if I could change by myself? If you wanted me to change, then don't let me become a person you are ashamed of. No one wants to be allowed to do that. Now I'll ask you to put yourself in my position. If you'd been doing things wrong, wouldn't you have liked to know it? Wouldn't you want to know? I told you when I wasn't comfortable with it because I'd like to think I'm not only speaking from a gf bias, but also from a wider view. Ahhhh but there's the paradox I'm missing. I should've known. I don't know how. But I should've. It's not relevant whether you could've told me. And the fact that I didn't realise when I should've known, means that there's a problem with how I think... -sigh- Let's just leave it at the fact that I'm a bad person who took your kindness and 'noble-ness' for granted, and eventually was blinded by it. Blind of my own preposterous faults and wrongdoings. Well GG, it's a bit late to be realising this now isn't it Bec? You're supposed to fix this all BEFORE you fuck things over. BEFORE you lose what you don't deserve to begin with.

Ok so I take all the above sections back.
I can't convince you I"m worth it.
Because I'm not.
It's simple, fact, and final.

-siiiiggghhhh-

edit: To person who reviewed this, sorry for troubling u ><;; it's blown out of proportion on blog i think...if that makes sense. So yeah, err...sorry if it sounds melodramatic and all :S

[Wow it seems like I'm always just berating myself in blog posts nowadays...]