Dear internet world oblivion,

I don't know who/what's out there. Maybe you should introduce yourself. Sometimes I feel like talking to a stranger would be easier than talking to your closest friend. No pressures. No imposed ideas. No obligation. No nothing.

Just.words.

I feel so insignificant. I look around my own room and it feels unfamiliar, cold, blunt. Everything is just material and surface. The emptiness inside me fills with this loneliness. Not a space that used to be occupied by someone. Just...inside. Like the neverending feeling you get listening to a swirly shell. The sound seeming endless.

A nothingness.
Filled with nothing.
That's what I feel like.

[I tried to fill it with dance...but dance is only momentary]

Maybe I sound melodramatic. I'm not trying to be. I don't think I am.
Normally this is an angstbank.
Today, I just want to write.

I don't know who I can trust any more.
Things have changed so drastically, and yet, have I changed?
Or have I stayed stagnant...

No. If I had remained trapped in that time, it would have been...things would have changed differently.

Dan says I havn't changed at all. I still smile a lot, I'm high.
I think visiting that comfortable familiarity allowed me to transform back.
It was so comfortable.
Just no pretences. No appearances.
Pure 'us'.
Talking for 5 hours. About....nothing.
But it could never end.
Even at the finish, there was still more to be said.
It reminded me too much of something else.
Of another time gone, out of my reach.

I want to preserve that scene, that portion of myself.
A small strip of film that is surrounded by chaotic destruction all around.
Just that short snippet.
Preserve it.
So that I don't forget who I was, who I should be.
And why I'm not.

1. I cannot...I'm sory. It's my fault, I took things too much to heart. But I can't trust you anymore. I can't.

2. We could've. I think so. In another world, another dimension, where space didn't matter. We're too similar. I like to believe it could've happened. It's almost saddening it can never. But thank you. You mean so much to me, in the midst of all this that I just want to escape from. I could never forget it. I swear by the two chest thumps and a peace sign. Just between us. You're a special memory.

3. I hesitate at this number. I'm unsure what there's to be said, even though there's so much welling up inside me. I can't think straight. Yet when I look in the mirror, at myself, inside me, it's all so crystal clear. As mud. This is what it's always like. Always fluctuating. Never static. Never decided. Never just...simple. The change in heart is good. I wish you hadn't found out. It cannot be helped.

4. You are...so understanding. You surprised me. I wish we were closer. I misjudged you, and for that I'm sorry. Show me how you can just...yeah. I hope it will be ok. You've been through a lot, seemingly always at war. You deserve someone good =)

5. Too close xD physically...it makes me slightly uncomfortable. Everything else, you're so supportive it really means a lot to me. But yeah...I hope you can understand that...I still need that physical barrier. It's too...it reminds me too much. Please try to understand.

I think...my faith in people have been shaken. -sigh- oh well. My loss. (that's not meant to make sense)