Just finished tute with Roger.
We're killing trees I swear haha...

Oh yeah...I'm not being spiteful.
Or resentful.
Or bitter.
Or whatever you want to paint me as.
Quite the opposite.
I just wish the answer wouldn't be a resolute 'ok. -sits back-'
Because I know you don't believe me.

Before, my phone vibrated for a call, and for a second I kinda...mm...
But it turned out to be mum calling me out to dinner on mobile cos she didnt wanna come out and disturb Kev and Roger.
-sigh-
Plummet all the more.

I wish we could talk.
And I wish I didn't miss you so much.
The number of times I checked my phone today...hoping for...
well I don't know what I'm hoping for anymore.
Because I'm well aware I'ms till under the slight hope, the illusion that things will somehow return to how they were.
Just to comfort this pain.
What a fool I am.

Hmm, I've kept up pretty well so far.
Telling lies with the face is turning out to be easiest when it's painful.
Driven by that single motivation that this lying is doing...at least one of us good.
And is justified, because we both...well...'need' this.
Or maybe more so for you.
I forced myself to do 'both of us' the better.
I hope it's doing you well.
I wish I could say the same for myself.

I thought back to how I was dropping my potato and gravy from my fries.
How you laughed.
It was so peaceful, and small moment which seems insignificant at the time, and yet looking back now I wish so much for that insignificance.
How I long for such a moment to be fathomable right now.
How that small moment not so long ago is now only so distant.
I was thinking about it during dinner before tute.
It took very much to hold back the tears.
And yet I've found myself strangely calm and lacking in tears after this morning.
Only one has spilt after I went to sleep.
And that is right now.

Again, I'm being melodramatic.
I shall chide myself for being contradictory.
And I'm starting to sound like Emily Bronte in my prose writing haha...
At least that might help my creative writing -thinking optimistically-
Yeah nah.

I miss you...miss you so bad.


P.S. No this is not a guilt-trip. I rather doubt it would provoke guilt, but just in case you take it that way.

P.S.S. Hence the gift is somewhat rendered useless...You can abandon it if you want. There's no obligation attached, don't worry.